The people you hate most are the beloveds who die. You hate them for leaving you behind in this ugly pit of a world. You find them selfish because they escaped from their troubles, selfish and cowardly. You envy them because they migrated to a better, more peaceful and less complicated a place than the one you are in. You hate them because you miss them, you miss talking to them, you miss hearing their unique voice, you miss having them around and the granted feeling you had because you thought they will be around forever or at least you weren't ready for them to leave yet. Because it never occurred to you that there is no "forever" in here. You hate them for dying. Most of all you hate them because you can't stop loving them and the gap just wouldn't fill. Lastly you hate them because you know that time will eventually numb the pain and sweep you into sweet oblivion but that is not what you want either, you love them so aggressively that you want the pain to stay - again - forever and every passing moment that dulls the pain leaves you feeling guilty, insensitive and conscienceless.
